I want you. I want you? I want you!

Are you someone who is always searching for people who want them? A significant other, friendships, some acknowledgement that you are worth spending time with…

I had a coaching client recently that was struggling with a problem just like this. She said she is always searching for a partner that wants her, needs to know that her kids want her, that her mom wants her, always looking for that love and acceptance that somehow must come more easily when you know you are wanted.

Listening to my intuition I asked her if she wants herself…She looked like she had been side swiped and we sat there for a few minutes as she really considered this question. She then looked at me and asked, “How do you want yourself, how does that even work?”

Good question…It’s different for everyone I would think, as each of our experiences is so vastly different in life. I want myself for all that I have gone through to all that I have become. I want to be who I am now and also acknowledge that I want to have been who I was so then I can be who I am meant to become. I want me for me, simple and honest.

In order to get to this though there has to be an innate knowing of self-trust, self-acceptance, even compassion for ones self. Once you fully accept yourself for who you are, both your strengths and your weaknesses, and learn to treat yourself with kindness at all times through the good times and the really ugly bad times. You can then meet your own need of being wanted.

Kristen Neff is a leading author on being kind to oneself. People that practice self-compassion experience less depression and anxiety and experience greater emotional resilience while being able to be ones authentic self. Thus Self-worth and Self-esteem can finally grow and blossom. Because our need for others to validate us is directly related to how we value ourselves. When we value ourselves we then no longer need someone else to help us feel valid

When you grow personally to the point where you have a high self esteem you will then find life so much more satisfying, you will find it easy to stay positive, and your goals come to you much more easily. This then makes your relationships more satisfying because you aren’t relying on another person to give you what you feel you are lacking. You have everything in yourself and a partner is just that…an extension of your love, joy, satisfaction, companionship, support, a true partner that you can be interdependent with.

We are so busy trying to be independent or we feel the need to stay dependent, that we forget that we can be interdependent. You can rely on yourself and your partner, you can rely on yourself and your team, you can rely on yourself and your community. It is not another persons job to make you happy, give you love, or to avoid saying things that may hurt your feelings. This doesn’t mean people should be rude, not love you, or deprive you of happiness in spending time with them. It’s more a case of you must find happiness in yourself, you must learn to truly love yourself, you must learn to be more emotionally balanced.

So, instead of finding someone who you expect to fill your needs for you, seek personal growth. With personal growth your horizon expands, you meet people you might not have met otherwise, have conversations that are fulfilling, and you might even find a higher purpose. Personal growth can motivate you to do the things you never thought to do, and that in turn leads to another level of personal growth.

Our bodies and minds are geared towards learning, growth, and expansion. When you stay in the same place, doing the same old thing, feeling stuck all the time you deny one of your most basic needs…the need to learn and grow. Abraham Maslow theorizes that self-actualization, the realizing of one’s potential is the highest level of development. In essence, those that pursue personal growth usually experience higher satisfaction in life.

I want myself to grow, I want to be me, I want me as I am now and the me as the person I will one day become. What better way to honor yourself than to want yourself, without conditions. If you are overweight but want to weigh less, want yourself as you are now and work on being your perfect weight with ideal health. If you are always tired and unmotivated, want yourself now and work on increasing your energy and being motivated.

Now, the next day I was working with my coaching client and we got back on the topic of wanting yourself...and she got it. Her world shifted, it was so powerful to watch. As a coach we often tell people to look in the mirror and tell yourself “I love you!” I agree with that AND I would go so far as to add it should be even more than that. I believe it should be “I love you, I trust you, I want you!”

To sum this up for you in the most value packed way I know how…If you want to start that shift for yourself, you have to start it at the unconscious level, because most everything we think and say is at the conscious level, but change starts at the unconscious level. So I say that you should stand in front of the mirror every day and tell yourself, “I love you, I trust you, I want you!” Feel into your body with each of these. What do you feel when you look yourself in the mirror and say I love you, does it not feel quite true or do you feel the truth of it deep down. When you say I trust you, what does that feel like? And when you say I want you, what do you notice in your body with that.

To amplify the power of this technique and to help you to get the most out of it, I am going to ask you to think of something that is absolutely true for you, it may be the fact that the sun is coming up tomorrow or that you will wake up. It doesn't really matter except that it should be absolutely true for you, and when you think of how true that is for you notice how it feels in your body. Do you feel light or heavy, does your skin vibrate, do you feel warm…whatever it is just notice it. Now when you say to yourself in the mirror “I love you, I trust you, I want you!” say it several times a day until you feel that feeling of absolute truth in your body, now that you know what that feels like.

Let me know what you notice after a few weeks of that, I would love to know!

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